I hate how stubborn i am sometimes.
Too stubborn. Im such a pig head. If i cant stop myself from doing things, i dont think any body can.
Live the fullest, dream and fall and crash, and get back up. Thats life, it makes you stronger or it breaks you. Bring it on.
Sober sept 2014.
I dream everyday. Why do people have dreams? Some says that is because your IQ is higher, some says that is because the brain has 2 parts and the second part of your brain is functioning better. Or any other explanations, i dont really care.
But my best friend woke me up today and was on the phone for an hour, argueing about life. She dreamt that i was pregnant and no matter how she tried to tell me to abort it, i wouldnt. 2 weeks ago, that was exactly what I was thinking about. All i know is the baby is the production of love, that as long as you have love, you are baby ready.
I felt like I’ve just had a morning lecture. And i learnt from it.
I thought i was mature enough to think of having kids, of being a good this and a good that, that i am able to think about such kinda future too. But i realized I am so wrong. If i can live in the best life i could be in, I wouldnt be able to give it to my baby either. I have experience all the things I dont want to and i aint making my kids going through the same thing. And sooo much more.
I should be focusing on myself rather than having dreamy thoughts right now. And this is why i am blessed and proud to make such friendships to the real people, who would spend their specious time talking to you about life, getting you back on the right track.
I have never been myself completely around you.
Sometimes you know you are doing the wrong thing but you put the temporary hapiness first, well do think of the many years of sadness to follow.
Unless it is worth it.
It is too late for me. My heart has been through so much. Some searches for a peaceful rlts and succeeds, i dont mind going through the worst to enjoy a moment of the best. My heart is cold as ice and there is only one fire, one light to reach it. The light is getting dimmer and despite everything, im chasing it. I am so scared i might shut the light out completely but the thought of not reaching it before it is out is even more scary. So with all the wishes i have, i wish time passes faster until i reach it, and that i wont be destroying my only light, my only fire.
And that is going to light brighter.
I feel so broken.
But right now i am not so scared of that thought. At all. Of having a baby. It is just about the situation that i am in. I would have my baby made today, with the most powerful love, or at least that is what i thought. Because I know my love is so big it’s beyond love, it’s more than enough to provide you no matter how much you ask for. I would be so great at being a mom. And a wife. And a lover. And i could be anything in the world my loved one just have to name it.
But life is not that simple. I dont want to give you any troubles, so I will hurt myself this time, for you.
Hanoi my little town in summer.